19th July 1819
Write something here.
Yes, diary. I am counting how much place I have
to write, fill the gap. Do not ask.
This is the third day of permanent reflection. My
beloved William! Did you not know that a girl can wait patiently even seven
years when she knows she found the one? That she can wait for years for her
first kiss, first walk, first recital of heart, first breath? Nobody would ever
make me happy as you. I had never let anyone to look at me. Once or twice, I do
not even remember, I was interested in my life previously. I was young and
silly, such a spring
chicken like others, but both only laughed in my face. Suddenly my brother’s
presence on throne made them remind themselves about me. Pardon lords, this
boat has floated away a long ago.
I had always been going places alone, I was waiting
patiently for love, did not know with what kind of caviar I can eat it. Then I
met you, my love. What more can I say? Cupid’s arrow was poisoned, and I am
lovesick now.
Well… How will it be to have a baby under my
heart again? Your son this time? I just know that this time it must be HIM… Will
I have a mood to eat a quail for breakfast? And then I will scream at you
because you did not button your shirt right? What this little creature is going
to be? Little me? Little you? Our materialistic love? The most saint thing in
the world? A little scourge? Or maybe just a… human? Yes, a little knight,
brave, neat, and thankful for loving him parents. This time I do not want to
give him away to a wet nurse. I want to raise him by myself. I know that all my
cousins and friends would say that I am like Orlando Furioso, but I really must
be closer to my own child. It is a time of revolution. Yes! Maybe I am a woman,
but I also have my power and brain.
I am looking forward to welcoming you, my little
junior. I have got a lot of patience and unconditional love for you in my
heart. When will you appear? Or maybe you are already here preparing a little
surprise for your mother at the end of summer?
Oh! A carriage in front of house! I am running to
check out who has decided to visit us. I will be back soon. Catherine, where
are you?! Do not let our guests wait! Ah! I see you! I knew that you are the
best servant in the world…
*In the evening*
Who came? William’s brother! Something more I
will tell you tomorrow. Today I wanted to enjoy my time in a good company, and
I am tired now.
Is it not funny that everybody spends these
summer days in cottage palaces while we live in mountains and have enough of
the same exquisite walls? Me and William have always been different, rebellious.
Big cities could never make us happy.
It was a hard way. I know something about it. You
are brave, brother, because you came here. Congratulations of taking first step
which leads to an adventure.
I have also found the next calling card from
William. It was sent to me few days after our first kiss. I think he brought
all these sweet souvenirs of past and hided them in corners for me to find now.
Ah William! I know you like to play with me like this. I will rewrite the
content here for you, diary, and I am going to bed. I see that candles are extinguished
in William’s room.
William’s visiting card:
O ma vie, ma chère vie, la fleur de mon âme, et de
mes jours!*
*Oh my life, my dear life, the flower of my soul,
and flower of my days! – Balzac’s letter to lady Hańska, December 1842.
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